“Dear Krishanji, It is very beautiful to see and read about your relationship with Guru Ji. What can I do to be closer to Him? There are times when I don’t feel loved. I have been in AOL for many years but still I have to wait for hours outside His kutir to see Him, while a few special ones can go in and out freely.” – M.T.
<3 Inspite of receiving so much love, I also have moments when I don’t feel loved. So don’t feel bad, you are not alone:)
My Master’s love for me is a mystery. I look for a reason, but can’t find one. But then, if there was a reason, then it won’t be Divine love.
There is nothing special I have done to come close to Him, and I also don’t see anything special about me, neither in the body nor in the mind.
When I look at my body closely, I see filth, and a living ghost under the skin. If I came to teach you without the cover of skin, you will run so fast and so far, that you will never come to my courses again. Just imagine me sitting there without the skin and playing flute. You will have nightmares. My intelligence lies in a cluster of billions of cells, and a network of nerves, and if any of it were to break, I won’t even remember my name. I am able to write this post only because this network is working properly. Otherwise, I am like a useless cell phone without a network. There is nothing in my control, and there is nothing special about me.
My mind is even filthier, and more out of control. It is filled with garbage of greed, desires, anger, ego, jealousy, manipulations, and much more. This garbage is so deep-rooted that no matter how much of it I take out, it is always only a tip of the iceberg. Kabira says,”When I look at my mind closely, I find that I am the worst among all beings.” Kabira also says,” Lord Rama, calling Kabira.. Kabira.. , runs after me.”
I feel the same. Inspite of all my filth and garbage, my Master still loves me. It makes Him special, not me. It makes Him great, not me.
When I pass by the people who are waiting outside His kutir, sometimes even in severe cold or hot weather, and when they see that I can just walk in, I can feel their agony, I can hear their questions, I can smell their anger, and for that reason, many times, instead of going in the kutir, I just turn around and go back. But five minutes later someone comes looking for me and tells me,”Guru Ji is looking for you.” While going in the kutir, I don’t feel any special. Instead, I admire and bow down to the devotion of those waiting outside.
Once Guru Ji had arranged for a puja in His kutir at the Montreal ashram, and He had asked a few people to come there next morning to participate. So, wearing a new set of silk clothes for the puja, when I went to the kutir, there were a few people waiting outside. I knocked at the door and when someone opened the door to let me in, one person who was waiting there questioned angrily,” Why Krishan can go in and I can’t?” I felt such a strong wave of anger and jealousy coming toward me that, though the door was open, I just couldn’t go in. Instead I turned around and went to the main building of the ashram. I was feeling bad and blaming myself for being the reason for someone’s anger and jealousy. Just to feel better, I cleaned all toilets in the main building. That was my puja. Guru Ji, of course, knew what had happened, He didn’t send anybody to look for me, for which I was glad. Later in the day, that person came and said sorry to me, and we hugged each other.
There is no answer to why some people seem more close to Him. The more you try to find an answer, the worse it becomes. You end up doubting yourself that perhaps there is something wrong with you. You end up doubting His love. It all pulls you down.
For such situations, when there are no answers, shifting my mind from ‘why is it so’ to ‘this is how it is’ has been very helpful for me.
In life, there are always some people ahead of you, and some behind you. Those who are ahead of you, they are not more special or any better, they are just ahead in the line, just like you are ahead of many. Some people have more in life, and some have less. You can not question this reality of outward life. A new reality dawns when the mind shifts inward.
So, instead of questioning and analyzing, my mantra is ‘this is how it is’.
When you see that you are also ahead of many, then you don’t feel anger and jealousy for those who are ahead of you. If you can feel happy for people who have more than you, or are ahead of you, then you will also not feel any special or better than those who are behind you, or have less than you. Instead you will be more loving and supportive to them.
Following a Master is a path of trust and belief. You have to trust that the Master loves you equally no matter who you are or where you are. This is the truth. If you see or feel otherwise, that’s when applying of the knowledge becomes useful, as you are seeing or feeling something that is not true. With a Master, your spiritual path becomes multi dimensional. You can not see or know all that happens in different dimensions. And, therefore, you can not base your journey on what you see or feel.
When you feel that someone else is more close to the Master, or that He loves them more, then you are belittling Master’s love. It is like saying that a tree is closer to the Sun than a plant, and the Sun loves a tree more than a plant.
The fact that you can see your Master, even if from a distance, and the fact that you can wait outside His kutir, imply that you have already come very far ahead in your journey.
Now it is time to celebrate, to be happy for those who have more or are ahead of you, without judging and questioning their worthiness, and to support and love those who have less, or are behind you. This is the only way to free yourself from anger and jealousy, and remain steady on the path. When you are free from jealousy and anger, you may still have to wait outside His kutir, but you will discover another kutir in your heart where He always lives, where you will never have to wait. Then you will also be able to sing and dance like Kabira and say,” Singing and dancing I go to my Beloved.”
There is no one special here, except Him. He loves all, and that’s what makes Him special. <3 <3
Covered in filth I lay
Useless and worthless
He wiped me, yea
With His loving caress
I was precious again <3