Always Remembering Her
I miss my mother’s company and her unconditional love very much. Around her, I always felt loved and protected. When I think of her, I see an image of love , a form which I can almost touch. She has left me with a wonder ‘how could she love so unconditionaly!’
I also loved and respected her very much, but there were times when we would get into arguments, and I would be rude to her, which now I wish I wasn’t. It’s the only regret I have in my life, and the yogic wisdom in this case doesn’t help me much.
But every time that happened, a good thing came out of it. During those times, my wife Bharti, and our children Amol and Priya would be extra nice to her. Bharti would cook some special food which my mother liked, and would even feed her with her own hands, like feeding a baby. Amol & Priya would pay extra attention to her and entertain her in different ways, which she liked very much. But in the midst of all that, and in spite of my being rude to her, she would still be concerned about me, and she would whisper and ask them if I was okay and if I had eaten. Her whisper was very loud.
Don’t Leave Me…
My mother was a devotee. After my father passed away, I remember her being sad for a very long time. She would sleep a lot and eat very little. However, she would still go to satsang, and sing spiritual songs at home. One day when I came home from school, I heard her sing in the bedroom, the bedroom door was closed. When I opened the door, I saw her singing with the tears rolling down her eyes. I asked her why she was crying? Wiping her face, she said, “I don’t know what happens to me sometimes, the devotion and sadness take over me and I can’t stop crying.” Then she became even more emotional and began to cry louder, and said,” When this happens to me, I feel like leaving everything and running away.” That scared me. I had just lost my father. I also cried loudly and said to her” Mother, don’t leave me.” She hugged me tightly and said, “No, I will never leave you. I can’t.”
Just like my mother, I also like writing and singing spiritual songs. I am not a good singer, but in a closed room I can can sit with my harmonium and sing for hours. In my journey, there was a time when the devotion had completely overtaken me. I would look forward to being alone and sing devotional songs. One day it was a flex-day off for me, and just me and my mother were at home. Most of the morning I had been singing in our prayer room with the door closed. In devotion, my eyes had welled up with tears. There was a phone call for me but I hadn’t heard it. My mother had answered the phone and to give me the phone she opened the door and saw me singing and crying. Looking at me, with the phone in her hand , she just stood there. I also, with tears in my eyes, just kept looking at her. That was a very powerful flashback and deja vu moment. Then without saying or asking anything she left. But I replied her silently,” When this happens to me, I feel like leaving everything and running away, but I will never leave you. I can’t.”
I have so many precious memories of my private moments with her that she is always alive in my heart. Whenever I am in need of comforting moments, I just think of her. Her love is the sacred mantra that comforts me and puts me in a deep state of rest.
In my wishful imagination, sometimes I hear her say to me,” I will be your mother again, I promise!” And I say to her.” I will never be rude to you again, I promise!” 🙏 ❤ 🙏